Can We Change?

Those who say “I am happy the way I am” need to reconsider. Happiness is not found in passivity but in challenging and honest achievements. Happiness requires a positive, active attitude, overcoming defects and limitations. Happiness is never free of charge; it comes loaded with responsibilities.

We truly care about change not only because we want to be happy, but also because we need to keep a job, remain faithful to a commitment, find solace in friendship, improve communication skills, and turn family into the heaven we have always envisioned.

For starters, resistance to change is fueled by selfish attitudes and pride. Selfishness and self-centeredness are simply manifestations of self-love. We find it difficult to understand that self-love leads nowhere. Love is meaningful only outside oneself, projected toward others.

To find meaning in love, we have to find ‘the other.’ We cannot find satisfaction in self-love because we are only one, not two persons. Persisting in self-love leads only to a kind of schizophrenia—the restless desire to satisfy our whims, followed by the frustration of never achieving it.

To break the cycle of selfishness, we need to work on pride. Proud attitudes are the reason behind many of the trials we experience in life. Outright mistakes, shortcomings, defects of character, and the full gamut of our deficiencies are difficult to acknowledge without humility and a desire to improve. The path of a loser is marked by pride and stagnation.

We often become agitated, lose our peace of mind, and even lose sleep over the opinions others have of us. We feel disturbed when others don’t appreciate how good and intelligent we are. Let’s learn from the fact that most of our predecessors are completely ignored. Their irrelevance extends to billions of people who have gone before us—of whom we know nothing. If remembered, only their contributions remain, not their eccentricities. Would the opinions of their critics matter even after they’ve gone? Not by any chance. They are history, and their troubles irrelevant. So why should we worry about what others think of us? Why should we defend a mistaken opinion out of pride when, sooner or later, it will no longer matter?

The way out of pride is acknowledging our mistakes and learning to rectify them. The way out of pride is a sincere desire to change. That better version of oneself is achieved through personal growth. The desire to change paves the way for what lies ahead, acting as the foundation. This desire is the measure of our true self, which brings us to consider a very important question: “What should I do to change?”

We are all familiar with the rules regulating basketball games. Basketball originated in 1891 in Springfield, Massachusetts, USA, and was invented by James Naismith, a Canadian physical education instructor. He simply wanted to keep his students active indoors during the cold winter months. The first game was played on December 21, 1891, at the International YMCA Training School in Springfield. Since then, the rules have evolved to improve the game.

One of the most significant innovations, the 'three-point line' or 'three-point shot,' was formally adopted by the American Basketball Association (ABA) in 1967. This rule has revolutionized basketball strategy.

The three-point strategy could serve as our model for staging change—if, like basketball players, we learn to use it effectively. At first, it might seem odd or even amusing. However, it is simply a way of focusing on concrete objectives. The three-point strategy addresses a recipient or goal, followed by three practical objectives for improvement. To let the strategy speak for itself, see the following scheme, organized by the most common areas of concern, illustrating a simple methodology that anyone can use to stage progress.

• Improving the relationship with my spouse: (1) go out on dates, (2) offer voluntary help, (3) show affection through physical contact (i.e., holding hands).

• Getting closer to my children: (1) avoid overcorrecting, (2) pay them more attention, and (3) show affection in a physical way (i.e., kissing or embracing them when you arrive home).

• Dealing with my in-laws: (1) avoid quarreling, (2) agree on terms, and (3) use their resources.

• At work: (1) try to smile, (2) care for personal order (i.e., leave everything as it was before you came in), (3) be always proactive.

• Reaching out to my friends: (1) keep contact, (2) pay attention to their moods, and (3) offer your help when you can.

• Dealing with the not so friendly neighbors: (2) make it a point to greet them when you cross ways, (3) be of service, and (3) show interest for their concerns.

We could continue expanding our list to include various groups—for instance, homeowners, professional associations, alumni, employees, the company’s board, salespeople, or vendors. Additionally, we could explore personal strategies and even focus on specific individuals with whom we aim to improve our relationships.

Obviously, the chances of success with this method depend on self-knowledge, which includes a clearer understanding of our limitations. As it is difficult to make an honest-to-goodness self-evaluation, we might think of enrolling the help of those who could lend a hand. Would you dare to ask others what they think of you? Would you dare to ask your partner, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your best friend, your immediate family, or a spiritual adviser? If married, surely your spouse would eagerly hurry to offer help. Would you accept whatever he or she tells you?

Though difficult, don’t let solicited advice go to waste. Think positive, take time to reflect on what you are learning about yourself, and set to work on it using The Three-Point Strategy Model.